Nestor Torre's acid pen attacks anew! Our local TV hosts are his target, and he's very mad.

MANILA, Philippines -- There are so many raw, clueless, and/or incompetent program hosts on TV these days that it behooves us to reject them in no uncertain terms.

Whatever possessed them to even think that they had what it takes to host a TV show competently and entertainingly?

We note that many new program hosts are good-looking -- period.

Great looks are fine, but TV programs aren’t fashion shows or photo galleries! Hosts have to talk, think, interact, give a show its unique signature and tempo. Alas, all some TV hosts can do is to look good -- again, period.

Well-connected

Even more gallingly, some new hosts aren’t even good-looking! They must be well-connected, or maybe their daddy is footing the bill for the program they host?

Whatever the reason, these obese or scrawny, overdressed and overly made-up creatures are as painful to look at as they are to listen to -- so, nobody does. When we tuned in to their shows, their ratings went up by 25 percent -- you get the picture.

If you’re dreaming of hosting a TV show and you don’t have what it takes, please make sure that your ambition remains an unfulfilled dream. Have a heart -- all those viewers out there are already hurting, so why add to their woes?

You still aren’t sure which way to go? Here’s a primer, based on actual, cringe-worthy evidence, on how not to host a TV show:

If you possess looks that only a mother could love, or barely tolerate, stay far away from camera range.

Speech impediment

If you look passably human, but have a speech impediment that makes you sound like a bicycle tire going flat, or a squirrel with its mouth full of nuts, pipe down. If you sound OK but can’t ad-lib and have to depend on idiot boards for everything you say, don’t even bother holding a mike.

If you host a talk show, don’t ever say, “Oh, I want to ask you this question -- .” You’re the host, you’re supposed to ask questions -- so, just ask them straight out, OK?

Interview

Also, when you interview somebody, concentrate completely on him, and forget yourself. Believe it or not, to the interviewee and to your show’s viewers, you really aren’t all that interesting or important. They want to focus not on you, but on the interview, OK?

So, please don’t go off into personal tangents about what you’re wearing, what your relatives told you last week, what you think about the price of tea in China. -- Or else, people will spot you for the kulang sa pansin show-off you really are.

If you’re co-hosting a variety or game show, don’t generate artificial “energy” and “excitement” by screaming your spiels at the top of your lungs, as though the microphone has yet to be invented and you’re calling your hubby, who’s six pilapils away.

Don’t make naughty remarks, because they really aren’t naughty, they’re lewd. Also, please don’t insult hapless contestants just to get a cheap laugh.

If you’re a field reporter covering a fiesta or some other folk event, don’t insult the “ugly” dancers, don’t refer to the old people present as “amoy-lupa,” and don’t sound so snidely above-it-all. -- Or else, you will be “karmated” to within an inch of your sniveling, pusillanimous soul.

Field reporter

If you’re a news anchor, don’t concentrate on your physical beauty -- which is debatable -- but on the news at hand, the significance of which isn’t. Therefore, don’t doll yourself up like you desperately want to end up on a 10 Best-Dressed list. Don’t try so hard -- you won’t make it!
Nestor Torre
Inquirer